A Sacred Tides Essay: A chapter for the woman reclaiming herself.

By Iya Omi 

A Poem (An Offering, Not My Original Work)

*This piece was created by my uncle and one of his students during a deep conversation on forgiveness and detachment.
I share it here with gratitude.*

I release you from the role you played in my pain.
Not because you asked,
Not because you changed,
But because my soul is tired of carrying what you may never understand.

I speak this in spirit:
I forgive you.

I forgive you for not showing up in the ways I needed.
I forgive you for the things said and unsaid, the presence withheld, the hurt woven in silence.
I forgive you for the moments I shrunk, hoping you’d soften.

But I do not erase it. I honor the wound.
I let it be real.
I let it be done.

This is not forgetting. This is transmutation.
I gather the pain and turn it into wisdom.
I gather the grief and turn it into fuel.

This forgiveness is mine—private, sacred, sovereign.
I don’t need your apology to find my peace.
I reclaim my wholeness now.

May you walk your own path with grace.
And may I walk mine, free.

Forgiveness as a Private Ceremony

We were raised hearing one version of forgiveness — especially in church spaces that leaned heavily on Scripture and performance:

“Forgive them so you can heal.”
“Let it go so God can bless you.”
“You can’t move forward until you forgive.”

And listen… I am not against forgiveness.
I am not suggesting you hold hatred in your chest so long it becomes a personality trait.
I am not saying anger is a place you should live.

What I am saying is this:

We have been taught forgiveness backwards.

Most of us were pushed to forgive others before we ever learned how to understand ourselves.
Before we processed what happened.
Before the wound even scabbed.
Before we could speak honestly about the damage.

Forgiveness became a performance —
a spiritual chore,
a mask of maturity,
a badge that said, “Look at me, I’m doing the right thing,”
even when our insides were still bleeding.

In the rush to appear healed,
we skipped the entire process of healing.

Forgiving Others Is Not the Start of Healing — It’s the Arrival

This is the thing people don’t say in church:

Forgiving someone else is not where your healing begins.
It’s where your healing arrives after you return to yourself.

When you forgive too fast, it’s not forgiveness.
It’s:

• denial

• erasure

• spiritual bypass

• people-pleasing

• trauma response

• survival mode

• emotional self-abandonment

It’s putting clean linens over an open wound.

It looks holy.
But the wound is still there.

Forgiveness Without Accountability Is Not Healing — It’s Training

Black women, especially, were raised in a cycle of premature forgiveness:

• forgive the parent who didn’t show up

• forgive the partner who never apologized

• forgive the friend who betrayed you

• forgive the abuser who never changed

• forgive the family member who caused chaos

• forgive men who harmed you

• forgive women who envied you

• forgive everyone… always… endlessly

All while the hurt sat in your chest like a stone.

We learned to hand out forgiveness like altar call candy —
meanwhile, the wound never closed.

Because here is the truth:

Forgiveness without boundaries is self-betrayal.
Forgiveness without reflection is self-abandonment.
Forgiveness without honesty is spiritual bypass.

The First Forgiveness Must Be to Yourself

Before you can release anyone else, you must return to yourself.

And I mean:

Forgive yourself.
Not for what they did — that is NOT yours to carry.
But for what you needed in order to move forward.

Forgive yourself for:

• not knowing what you couldn’t have known

• staying longer than you wanted

• silencing your intuition

• shrinking to survive

• loving from a place of empty

• believing their version of you

• coping with the tools you had at the time

• being human

Self-forgiveness is not about taking blame.
It’s about releasing shame.

Because the truth is:

You cannot release someone until you release the part of yourself that still thinks their harm says something about your worth.

Some People Will Never Face Consequences — And That’s Not Your Work

This is where many healing journeys get tangled:

We think,
“If I heal, surely they will be exposed.”
“If I forgive, surely life will teach them a lesson.”
“If I move forward, God will deal with them.”

But life doesn’t always operate that way.

Some people will never face consequences.
Some will never be humbled.
Some will never apologize.
Some will never be held accountable.
Some will sleep peacefully at night as if they didn’t break you.

And if your healing depends on their karma?

You will never be free.

Your healing must depend on:

• your recovery

• your reflection

• your clarity

• your boundaries

• your return to self

Not on their downfall.

Forgiveness Without Reconciliation

Let’s be crystal clear:

Forgiveness does not mean:

• reconciliation

• access

• softness

• trust

• family holidays together

• letting them back in

• pretending it never happened

• “we’re good now”

Forgiveness is not a reunion.
It is not a re-opening of old doors.
It is not a pass.

Forgiveness is you saying:

“I release you from my spirit
and I release myself from your shadow.”

You don’t need a conversation.
You don’t need closure.
You don’t need mutual understanding.
You don’t need their apology.

Forgiveness Is a Ceremony Performed in Private

This is the heart of it:

Forgiveness is not a public act — it is a private ceremony.

It is not something you do with them.
It is something you do within yourself.

Forgiveness is quiet.
It is internal.
It is sovereign.
It is intimate.

It is:

• you

• your Orí

• your ancestors

• your truth

• your boundaries

• your clarity

• your reclamation

Forgiveness is not granted from a place of weakness.
It is offered once strength has returned.

It is not about excusing them.
It’s about freeing yourself.

It is not about forgetting.
It’s about transmutation.

And when you finally release them, it is not softness toward them —

It is liberation for you.

Closing Reflection

Forgiveness is not the beginning of healing.
It is the final step —
the point where the wound no longer defines you.

You forgive not because they deserve it,
but because you’ve finally come back home to yourself.

Your peace is yours again.
Your spirit is yours again.
Your power is yours again.

Forgiveness, in its truest form,
is a ceremony of returning to your own wholeness.